What it means to come alive
by Lily Rahl
Summary: Some thoughts about what should happen between Will and Alicia after the season 4 finale. Hope you enjoy reading it was much as I take pleasure from writing it! XD
1. Chapter 1

**_Chapter 1_**  
People usually rang the bell when at his place. Fancy new apartment, so he hadn't got so used to the familiar feeling you have when you're at home and somebody is outside the door. So when he heard a gentle knock, he just thought it was somebody who had never been there before.  
And he was… just partially right. She had never been there, on her own that is. They had been there together, he had opened the door, and he had closed it. End of the door story. But now she was there. She had a knack for doing the most improbable things in the moment you least expected it. He had yet to figure out whether he liked that quality or not.  
'Hey!' she had a sad smile. And she looked exhausted. Had the hall been lighter, he would surely have noticed the residues of tears around the corner of her eyes. But it wasn't. However something inside, told him that she had been crying.  
'Alicia…' even though he tried to mask it, the hint of surprise in his voice was imminent. And that confused her.  
She was standing on his doorstep, unsure of the reasons that had brought her there, but pretty sure of the ones that made her want to leave. However, his pleading look, the way he spelled her name, the smell of his house, his home, his kingdom, were too appealing to pass. She did not need a reason to stay. The fact that she had many reasons to leave made her want to do the opposite. That was her. Irony of fate. Master of contradiction. Everything. but a good girl. And she hated herself for that.  
She took a step forward and words started coming out of her mouth without control.  
'I am so sorry, Will.' the mere mentioning of his name made tears well up in her eyes. 'I am sorry I kissed you, I am sorry I led you on all this time, I am sorry I broke you and Laura up, I am sorry I …' she was going to say 'I am sorry I am leaving you, but she couldn't make herself say it. He was looking at her apprehensively. Wearing a plain blue T-shirt and simple sweatpants, standing on the doorway, waiting for her to finish. He always did that. Wait for her. Always.  
'Alicia, it's …' he grabbed her hand not sure of whether he should do that or not. 'It's fine.' He finally managed to say.  
She took another step. He pulled her toward him and so she was in his apartment now. He separated his hands from hers in order to close the door. She was standing there staring at the floor. After an instant of hesitation, he took her bag and put it on the floor and grabbed her hand again. Her eyes came to his. Seeing tears in her eyes made his whole soul hurt.  
'Please come in.' he said simply. Just to make it more convincing, he squeezed her hand. Her look moved to his hand intertwined in hers. She was at a loss.  
He wanted to hug her and cuddle her and dandle her to sleep. She was hurt and all he wanted to do was to fix her. He wanted to make her smile, he wanted to hear her laugh. Gosh he loved her laughter.  
She walked by his side and sat on the couch with her jacket still on and her gaze fixed on the black screen of the iMac on the table. He didn't know what to do. He usually did. In court, it was easy. You have facts, you interrogate the witness, and you find stuff out. Whereas now…  
'Do you want a drink or something?' the lamest icebreaker in the world. He felt a loser just uttering it.  
Her gaze wavered.  
'Will, I…' she stood up. 'I shouldn't be here.' She rushed out of the living room, but this time he was fast. Thinking fast was something he excelled at.  
'This is exactly where you're supposed to be.'  
He leaned in and gave her lips a soft and quick kiss. He wanted to wipe the bewilderment away, but all he did was make her weep again.  
'God, I am… sorry. I …' he said when he saw her tears. For one moment he felt like a college kid again dealing with a weird girlfriend.  
'No, it's not that.' Alicia's tone seemed more human now. It was like she was coming back to earth. 'I just… oh Will…' she looked at him apologetically. 'Damn it!' she pulled away from him, but she did not leave. She leaned on the wall staring at him.  
'I did something tonight, something you are gonna hate me for.' Hers tears had left trails on her cheeks and lips and finally fell off the fine angle of her jaws.  
He approached her and kissed her again. He felt her eyelids close. Then he took a deep breath and fondled her cheeks with both his hands getting a chance to wipe her tears away with his thumbs.  
'No matter what happens, I could never hate you.' And he drew her face closer with his hands and kissed her again. But this time it surpassed the border from gentle to passionate. She responded fearfully making him feel back in college again.  
His first kiss with her had been like that. And never before had a kiss tasted that… alike. He had wanted to feel that same wave ever since then.

Their lips parted as he looked at her.  
'I can take care of you.' he stopped and then completed. 'I wanna take care of you.'  
For the first time that night, she eyed him directly. 'I would like you to.' Her voice trembled but no other words could make him happier.


	2. Chapter 2

**_ Chapter 2_**

The first thing that came into his focus as his consciousness awoke that morning, was her smell. He could smell her perfume, and yeah he felt the sweet scent of her hair product. She was still sleeping on his couch. Her hand was still in his. He was sitting on the floor by her side. He couldn't believe he had fallen asleep like that. The feel of her hand in his, the feel of their intertwined fingers made the ghost of a smile appear on his lips. He loved this woman more than he had ever loved anyone. Every time he laid eyes on her, even if she was wearing an old baggy T-shirt of his and had messy hair and no make-up left, even if she wasn't even looking at him, but just sleeping, even if she didn't know that, every single time it felt like falling in love with her all over again. He smiled while thinking how gorgeous she was. He gave her hand a gentle kiss and lightly pulled his fingers away. He got up and before leaving he pulled her blanket higher. He felt this strange need to look after her. God, he'd wish he had the opportunity to spend his life just doing that, looking after her…  
He got up and started making coffee while trying not to make noise. He didn't want tobe the one to wake her. In the maze between dream and reality, in the moment when consciousness and unconsciousness merge, that's when you start having odd thoughts. And maybe... just maybe these thoughts are truer than anything else. She was thinking about happiness.

" I mean yeah, I am happy. I have a good job and two amazing kids and you know friends and money and stuff. And then... There's Peter. He seems to have changed. Oh com'on Alicia!" She reprimanded herself. " there's no use in lying to yourself. Peter is ... you know half of your life, Peter is something familiar, but that doesn't mean he is family. Because ... Well cos being with him is serene, but a long way from happy. Cos if it was you wouldn't be sleeping on Will's couch. Oh my God. Will's couch..."

She woke up with his name and image in her head. Her eyelids reflexively closed because sun rays were caressing her face. She moved her head and felt another smell on her skin. She was wearing his T-shirt. She enjoyed the flavor.

"Oh my God, why am I..." She eyed around. The smell of coffee fondled her nostrils. He had his back to her. She didn't know what to say. This was surely awkward. Yeah, she'd been there before, she'd slept with him before, but ... Why did it feel so embarrassing?

She didn't want to attract his attention. She wouldn't know what to say. He had to find out she was awake by himself so he could say something. Kinda selfish on her side. Nevertheless she closed her eyes again hoping he would come there soon. She must've been calling him with her heart because in a matter of seconds he was there. He sat on the other couch and took the remote.

She felt his caressing gaze for a second, but then he turned on the TV making sure the volume was low. It was time. Feigning sleep was something she wasn't good at, so she gently opened her eyes. As if he had a radar on her movements, he immediately looked at her. And she looked back. To go past the uneasiness, he granted her a sweet morning smile.

"Hey. " was all he said so she was trapped to move the conversation forward. She got up immediately and sat on the couch.

"I ..." She was certainly going to say "I am sorry" but the slight twinge of Will's eyebrow seemed not to want that of her. He was full of "I am sorrys" on her part. So instead she murmured an embarrassed " ' morning!"

She would have wanted to succumb in the couch when she felt her cheeks go red. Feeling that, he took his eyes off of her for which she was grateful.

"Coffee? " he offered when the silence became too pressing. She nodded so gracefully and in a childlike manner that he found it very difficult not to jump next to her and kiss her. He was looking for the remote as she laid her feet on the floor. She was wearing a pair of his baggy sweatpants and a matching T- shirt. She was staring at them now, and he knew what that meant.

"They suit you." He smiled. She laughed and then looked right into his eyes unsure of how to form the question. But he knew. He seemed to read her mind.

"Your clothes are on the bed, I mean you changed... You know you couldn't ...sleep in ...Gosh!" He was messing it up.

She smiled. " It's okay Will. I remember..." she mumbled. Then her beam returned to him.

"How about that coffee?" He returned her smile gratefully and got up. She got up as well and tried to tidy up a little. As he turned the coffee machine on, he wanted to ask her something, but at the sight of her his heart skipped a beat, his breath caught in his lungs and all the words in his head lost their coherency. His T-shirt was too big for her slimy figure and it left her shoulders exposed. He drank in her creamy skin and noticed the birthmarks on her lovely neck as she was folding up the blanket. The sun cast its golden blanket on her clavicles which were tangible and they reminded him of all those times his lips had caressed them and left wet trails right there. Her dark hair cascaded down her shoulders and it gained some splendid nuances when bathed in the sunlight. He loved her hair loose. It foulared her skin as a silky scarf. He was eyeing her every move. She walked to the side of the couch to take the pillow, barefoot, as they used to walk around the college corridors to meet each other at night.

Gosh she was beautiful ! Yeah... He had loved her since then as she rushed into his arms that late night of more than 20 years earlier to meet him in the terrace, the night he had first kissed her, the night he had realized that no woman, ever, would make his heart beat that way...

His look had a way of caressing her. One of the reasons she couldn't keep away from him, one of the reasons she should. Because it just made her feel as if he was touching her even when he wasn't. It made her feel sheltered in his embrace, protected...and she dared to think 'happy'. She realized that Will made her happy, even if it was for a short while, even if it was against everything everyone expected of her or wanted her to do, even if it seemed wrong on so many levels and...even, as she was most afraid, this would disappoint her kids. Despite everything there was only one major feeling whenever Will was around, happiness.

She felt his look and was fighting to keep busy; either because she didn't want to talk or maybe because she liked when he looked at her. Actually she loved it. Abruptly, she turned her hazel eyes to him and caught him off guard. She smiled at his teenagery way of removing his eyes and trying to make it look like he was busy. The alarm of the coffee machine took both their attentions and she approached the counter and sat on the chair in front of him. He diverted his attention to finding a mug. And then he suddenly decided it was time to talk.

"Alici...

"Will..."

They both smiled embarrassed.

"You first." He smiled.

She took a deep breath. "Okay. So, I am sorry about bursting in last night, I mean... I know I should stop doing this to you, I know you must think I am being one of those bitches back in college who knew when someone..." Her voice trailed off as he put the mug in front of her. Her look met his in half way. " I am really sorry for every wrong doing against you ... But..."

He knew he had to do something to stop her or she would say she couldn't do this, whatever this was. And he didn't want that. He wanted her right now and so much that letting her go was out of the question. His reason raced and he gently leaned in and put his finger on her lips.

"Please Alicia. I know. I mean we've never actually talked about this, but I know. And I get it, but you don't have to be sorry. You don't have to be sorry you are so gorgeous, you don't have to be sorry I have feelings for you and you don't have to be sorry you came here last night because I just feel like for once ... It was right timing. For once I ..." He stressed the word. " I was your safe haven."

She looked at him, but was too afraid to speak. So he sat next to her and for a couple of minutes all they did was stare at their coffees. They had never been so slow in drinking it :p.

"Will?"

"Yes?"

"I wanna ask you something." He put his mug down and turned his chair toward her. "Why haven't you given up on me? I mean after everything I have put you through..." He leaned his head to his side and thought for one moment. The gesture reminded Alicia of when her daughter Grace was little and people asked her whom she loved the most, her mom or her dad.

"I guess... You know when people go through a lot, you know like a tragedy or something, and they survive and get to tell the story?" She nodded so he went on. "Well, they all say there was something to cling to when they were at their worst, like you know the light at the end of the tunnel. You are that for me. " he said this so slowly and appealingly that her heart melted and tears welled up in her eyes. "You are the one person that just makes it worth it, the thing I always fight for, cos you know I have this thought that everybody fights for something. " he had his eyes down and was playing with his sweater's lace. "And I have been doing that... Probably since Georgetown."

He didn't look at her but instead got up. She grabbed his hand. When he returned to her, her tears were falling down, her eyes puffy and she stared at the floor. He squeezed her hand and waited.

She pulled him closer. "I think I feel the same way about you ever since the night I kissed you again. " her tears prevented her voice from being clear, but she went on. "It was like a time machine. "

He couldn't wait any longer. He drew her face closer and kissed her. God, he loved the feeling of kissing her. Maybe she was right. It was a time machine, only not toward the past, but toward the future. Kissing her was like seeing his future live, the moments he still wanted to live with her, the feel of her skin against his every morning of his life, the sight of her shoulders over the sheets at night, the scent of her perfume in the bathroom, her clothes on the floor of their bedroom, the noise of children. Yeah, she was worth everything he could suffer. She erased everything in a second. As their kiss became passionate and his hand explored her waist and his own T-shirt, he started to forget about everything. Being with her was reason-robbing. And as he nuzzled against her neck, she whispered something in his ear. He separated his lips from her skin to make it out and looked at her right in the eyes. Her look arrowed him too. She cupped his cheek and ran her fingers through his hair. "This..." She paused to emphasize. " this is 'happy'." He kissed her fingers and ran his arms around her skinny waist drawing her body to his. As she wrapped her soft legs around him, he picked her in his arms and lost himself in the sublime whirlpool of making love to the woman he most desired, loved and cherished...

**_reviews are appreciated! I haven't written a fanfiction in a long time, so I really love constructive criticism!_**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The court was always the same. The distinct flavor of wood, the judge, the witness stand, the place of the jury. It was always so alike, but unlike every time he walked in, this time he felt like a piece of him was missing. Because it was. She wasn't there and she would never be back in there, with him that is. He hadn't got used to the idea of this impossibility yet. The rational part of his mind knew she would never be back, but his heart couldn't accept it. Living without her had always been hard, but he had stomached it. But working without her... He risked to start hating the thing that had always been as close to his heart as she had been, work. And if he didn't like his work, and he couldn't like Alicia, what the hell was he living for then?

" ?" Judge Abernathy asked for the second time.  
This seemed to take Will's mind off of his daydreaming for a second. "Yes your Honor?" He was surely confused and hadn't even realized it was his turn to interrogate the witness.  
"Any questions?" Asked the judge frustrated.  
"No, your Honor." Will replied almost instinctively. Diane tapped him on the shoulder to show her opposition, but he pretended not to notice.  
He wanted to be out of there. Yes, work would take his mind of, but not in the Court Room. All that did was remind him of the source of his pain and that he could not bear.

"Will? You have a minute?" Diane asked after having stepped into his office. He would have wanted to get away from this, but she seemed determined. She was going to leave in two weeks and all of this...whatever was left of it anyway, would be his. The firm would now be named Gardner and Associates. Everybody was leaving...  
"Sure." He smiled, but having known Will for years, Diane knew that his smile wasn't genuine. And unfortunately she even knew the reason why. "What's up?" He asked moving from the chair to the couch as his look focused absentmindedly on his baseball bat.  
Had Diane been careful during her Freud classes, she would surely know that the baseball bat, more than anything else in his office reminded him of College, of freedom, youth and yeah...of Alicia. But, Diane didn't need to be a psychiatrist to know what he was going through. He felt betrayed, he felt alone, he left lost and the thing that enraged him the most was the fact that he could do nothing about it. In addition, he couldn't hate her. Unfortunately, whatever she did to him, what hurt the most was that he couldn't stop loving her.  
And since there was no way to fix it, he had given up trying and he didn't care about it anymore.  
She sat by his side and grabbed his hand. It was quite unlike her, because even though they had known each other for a long time, she had always tried to keep her nose out of his private life. However this time she could not stay quiet. Seeing him destroy himself like that, hurt her. And she knew far too well why he was doing that.  
"Will, why didn't you interrogate the witness today?" She asked.  
Will knew were this was going so he didn't want to listen to what she had to say. He didn't want people to give him advice, he wanted people to leave him alone, to grieve. She wasn't dead, fortunately his heart said. But he felt as if her loss was as irreversible as death. And the feeling stabbed his heart so much that the only way for it not to consume him, was to stay angry. Anger shielded his pain. Diane would tear the shield apart if she kept insisting and then he'd be left with no armor against the worst injury of all, heartache...  
He got up to pour both of them a glass of whiskey.  
"I think our case was okay even without that testimony. " he mumbled knowing far too well that he was completely wrong.  
"Oh, com'on Will. You and I both know that the only thing you avoid doing lately is 'think' ". Her tone was louder than usual.  
"I am sorry, Diane." He said with a smile trying to reassure her. Fighting her was no use. She'd go on doing this till he told the truth. But what she did not know is that the truth wouldn't help him, or the firm." I will be less reckless next time. " he said giving her the glass.  
"We've all been through tough times, Will, but I hate to see you resigned like this. " she was genuinely worried.  
"Don't worry, Diane." He tried to imitate his usual grin as much as he could. " It'll pass."  
"I wish you were right Will, but the pain of loss stings even after the tangible marks disappear."  
He had the opportunity to escape her now. "Diane as usual your metaphors leave us humans all behind." He said laughing.  
She smiled as well. She recognized his tactic. "I know, but that doesn't mean I am not right."  
Will's eyes gained a serious look. "You _are_ right. But believe me, I'll make it pass." He emptied his drink and put the glass on the table.  
Diane couldn't say anything else so she dedicated her attention to her own drink.


End file.
